If there is one thing booksellers still carry in hardcover, it’s legions of parenting books. The titles range from the hokey and gimmicky to complex and scientific-sounding. There is even a book about the scores of books (Raising America: Experts, Parents and a Century of Advice about Children by Ann Hulbert)

Some are aging and falling out of favor while other books tend to garner brief attention before fading into the vast collection. When I was pregnant with my son and working 100 hour weeks in my residency, I did not have time to read these books but I also did not think them necessary. I thought we’d get to know each other and I’d figure it out and incorporate techniques I’d heard and seen and we’d be ok. Little did I know within 3 months, I would be desperately seeking sleep solutions in every book on the shelf.

Once I began in private practice, I realized how deeply some parents depended on books. Many folks’ first question in the visit when they interview me to be their pediatrician is “what books do I recommend,” looking for specific titles in my answer, titles which rang true with the philosophies which most appeal to them. Or perhaps with the intention to start reading and taking notes immediately.

After having had 3 kids (although none are teenagers yet so I still have a lot to learn) and after talking to many families over the last 8 years at POD, I have found a few things to be true regarding the relationship between parents and parenting books. I perceive these beliefs to be general myths:

1. The answer to all their problems and questions is out there. It will just take man hours and research to solve their dilemmas.
2. Their baby will adhere to a specific algorithm and it is only their ability to properly apply the algorithm that predicts success.

In general, parenting takes a lot of creativity and it is harder and harder for emotionally drained and sleep deprived parents to come up with new ideas or be able to step back and objectively evaluate a parenting dilemma. Reading books in general is good! But always come at a book with a few general strategies:

1. If the title is a gimmick and the idea is a gimmick, probably it won’t work for every baby. If they advertise if you follow their exact rules, you can get your baby to sleep 10 hours in 10 days, well, its gimmicky. There are exceptions, of course. 1,2,3 Magic is so gimmicky sounding, but a detailed and successful approach to discipline.
2. If the pages are >600, you probably can’t finish the book with a newborn baby waking you 10 times a night.
3. Some books are geared toward the science of baby sleep or the science of toddler behavior. I truly enjoy these books and I think its helpful for most parents to have an inkling of the background behind the theory, but I understand they do not appeal to some. Many are good reference but may not have a practical how-to guide to address problems.
4. If you try a new method and are not having good result, take a step back and look at what your expectations are and what the method promises and reevaluate. It is possible that you are doing things incorrectly, but it is also possible that a combination of methods, and some trial and error will actually solve your problems. I like to say that most of parenting is trial and error.
5. Ask the pediatrician what they think about certain books and methods. I have only been in private practice for 8 years, but I know when I present an issue on parenting to my father, who’s been in practice since the 70s, he will usually tell me “what works most of the time.” And, having seen so many patients experience success and failure on issues from tantrumming to sleeping to picky eating, etc… he is good at pinpointing what will work for most people and what might worsen the problem for some personalities and parenting styles.
6. Don’t let the partner or other parent out of taking on some of the burden of decision-making, reading books and researching ideas. It is so hard for the primary parent to allow someone else to trial their hypothesis. Especially when the mom knows the baby best (in most cases but not all). And yet, the burden of thinking about strategies to combat a child’s nighttime waking can be a huge mental load to carry. It is additionally tough if the partner or spouse blames the primary parent for the problem. It is important to come at the issue collaboratively. And to be open-minded to changing course.

A quick made-up example: Baby Joe is a 16 week old who has been a “terrible sleeper” from day one. He has been waking up 2-4 times a night since he was born and is a breastfed baby. He has also had colic and seems to have improved but still fusses and requires more attention than his cousin, Marty. Originally the parents wanted to be “attachment” parents at first but immediately found themselves plagued by indecision on several issues and he doesn’t nap well in a sling or near the parents. They have read several books and can’t decide what to do. They feel paralyzed and keep reading more books to find the “answer to his sleeping.” They’ve read several websites and discussed sleep with sleep experts but cannot afford a sleep service and find that distasteful.

My first advice is not to feel guilty about changing philosophies on sleep and eating. Every baby is different. Some babies and parents are just not the right fit for any one philosophy. Attachment parenting is definitely not helpful for many, as Baby-wise strict scheduling is also not helpful for many. And to take a step back and define goals for Baby Joe is important- at close to 4 months, he may need to eat every few hours still, but he may also need to start working on the skill of learning to fall asleep without rocking or cuddling.

If the parents had read an academic book about sleep cycles in babies, we would maybe review the fact that some babies live in long periods of stage 4 sleep or delta sleep at 4 months, but that they should lengthen sleep cycles and add REM sleep soon, and we would talk about whether he still needed swaddling or not. Perhaps these parents would benefit from some of the information in Weissbluth’s Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child as well as some of the more specific situations in Dr. Jodi Mindell’s book, Sleeping Through the Night. Other books we’d discuss might be Ferber’s Solve Your Child’s Sleep Problems, a wonderful resource and far more detailed and nuanced than popular “cry-it-out method.” But no gimmicky title with promises of “fixing it” without crying in a matter of hours is likely to work for Joe. He’s too smart.

Mostly, I just want parents to know that its ok to trial some philosophies on parenting and to be ok with working through the problems in a specific way, tailored to each child. I also want to warn that sometimes there is no answer: I frequently joke that sometime between 12-15 months, 2 naps is too many naps and 1 nap is too few naps and there is nothing you can do about it! Babies are all SO different (I didn’t know what a “good sleeper” was, until my third came along!) And pediatricians want what is right for your family, but also want to help your child be happy and healthy and keep you sane.